We’ve received word that Blotch has an aggressive tumor in his left sinus. Vet #2 (the one who did the exploratory surgery) thought Blotch was a “reasonable candidate” for surgery and radiation. It’s a very invasive surgery and, after doing some research and talking to Blotch’s primary vet (Vet #1), we feel that Vet #2 didn’t give us all the facts. The facts are that the tumor will likely return, not within years, but within only months. So, at that time, Blotch would have to start all over with the pain and illness again. Blotch would be put through severe pain (Vet #2 left that part out when talking about the surgery) and might not even survive the surgery. We’d have had to transport Blotch to Massachusetts for radiation and he’d either have to have it daily for 3 weeks (we’d have had to leave him there) or once every 3 weeks for 9 weeks. Driving him 10 hours round-trip for this would be, in our opinion – and in the dead of winter, torture for Blotch, on top of the lingering pain he’d have from the surgery.
I had nose surgery (to fix a broken nose) when I was 18 and it involved my sinuses and the pain I had was bad and was non-stop for 6 straight weeks. It was so bad that, when the surgeon admitted he’d messed up on my nose and wanted to fix it again, I said no way. I wasn’t going through that pain again. And, now perhaps I know why I went through that…maybe so I’d know to say no when our kitty was faced with that possibility.
I cried most of last night and plenty more this morning. This afternoon, I told Richard I was on “system shutdown.” I just couldn’t take it anymore. (I’ve lost 14 lbs since learning he’s sick and haven’t gotten much sleep at all.)
My first reaction was that the pain was just too great. I wanted it done and over with as soon as possible, once we decided that surgery was not an option. But, I couldn’t make the final decision, so I asked Richard to make it for me. (Ali also didn’t want to make the decision.) Richard agreed, got up this morning, and made an appointment to have Blotch put to sleep. I knew Richard would be far more reasonable and would look at things from Blotch’s point of view…while Ali and I were running on 110% emotion.
I got up after he’d called the vet and told him I’d changed my mind. I was watching Blotch sleeping on Ali’s stomach last night and watching him this morning as he watched Max play in his room and I realized that he’s still active, he’s still very alert, and he seems happy. In fact, if he didn’t have such a stuffy nose, you’d probably not even know he’s sick. Maybe my decision last night had been too hasty and made in a panic. However, I was also concerned that daily injections and needing to feed him vitamin gel was cruel, but Blotch just seemed too healthy to put him down just yet.
So, Richard called the vet back and, at my request, made an appointment for this afternoon to have the vet check Blotch and tell us, in her opinion, how healthy he is at this point and what his quality of life is right now.
Richard and Ali took Blotch in (I sent a note for the vet with questions because I cry whenever I talk about the situation) and they returned with good news.
Considering Blotch’s illness, the vet says he’s in very good shape. He’s happy, active, and interacting with us. Continuing his medicine at home is, in her opinion, not cruel, but in fact keeps him feeling better (hydrated and not hungry and less stuffy). She gave us signs to look for to indicate when he’s starting to go downhill.
Blotch is dying and we have faced that fact. He may live for a few days or a few weeks but probably not six months. He’ll let us know if he’s in pain or if he’s not having fun anymore. At that time, we will take him in and let him go.
I somehow thought, last night, that not knowing when Blotch would die, but knowing he was dying, was something I just couldn’t endure. But, I was wrong. After about 24 hours of frantic weeping and grief and worry and doubt if we were doing the right thing, I feel a tremendous sense of peace this evening. I can handle knowing Blotch is dying, but not knowing when. I am very happy to let Blotch tell us when he’s ready. I’m so thankful that we didn’t make a hasty decision to put him down immediately, without thinking about what guilt that might create later if we later thought maybe Blotch hadn’t been ready and we’d done it too quickly. Blotch is just far too alive right now to put down.
I just finished feeding Blotch his vitamin paste and he’s resting comfortably now. Today, he ate for the first time in a week. It wasn’t cat food – it was grass. Ali let him go outside this afternoon (which he hasn’t been able to do since getting sick) and he started eating his “salad.” Maybe cat food is next…maybe not. We’re not going to push him to do anything he doesn’t want to do. We’re just going to let Blotch do what he wants to do. We’re not going to stop him from going outside (fearing he might not return) and we’re not going to force him to spend his time only in Ali’s room, (fearing he might disappear into a closet or corner somewhere). We’re going to let him decide what he wants to do. And, when he’s ready to go to heaven, we’ll help him get there with as little discomfort as possible.